Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Oh Crap!


Today is the first day of school. Can you hear the joy...It's the most wonderful time of the year. I usually go out to brunch with other giddy Moms. Today stinks, because I have to have a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. In light of the cruel fact of requiring invasive procedures, I offer myself as the Katie Couric of Blogland. I will document the whole mess for you. I find it extremely unfair that I have to undergo these tests, particularly the Colonoscopy as I am 46 years old...not even 50 yet. With a new round of medical mysteries and Disease Du Jour it has became necessary.
Colonoscopy is used to visually examine your entire colon and rectum for abnormalities. Colonoscopy is generally considered the procedure of choice for colon cancer screening. During the exam, a colonoscope — a long, flexible tube about the thickness of an adult finger — is inserted into your rectum. A tiny video camera at its tip allows your doctor to view the inside of your colon.
In some cases during colonoscopy, if a polyp or abnormal tissue is found, your doctor may remove it at that time. Alternatively, a tissue sample (biopsy) of the polyp may be taken for lab analysis to determine whether subsequent surgical removal of the tissue is needed.

Sounds like a party! Prep day was equally hideous.


1. Clear liquid diet the day before procedure.


2. Mix the nasty Colyte drink in the morning and refridgerate.


3. At noon take four stool softeners...stay close to home, seriously.


4. At 6pm, begin drinking the nasty, disgusting Colyte. Drink one eight ounce glass every 10-15 minutes.Keep your barf training supplies handy, big bowl, washcloth, and box of tissue. The puke fest will begin after about the third glass of nasty. Continue the drink, puke process until you have finished 2 quarts.



  • You will look and smell like a hot mess. Don't despair, it gets worse.

  • The rest of the evening will be spent in the bathroom. Make yourself comfortable.

On the day of the procedure...where they are going to get all up in your bidniss...



  1. Your clear liquid diet may continue up to 10:00 am.

  2. Please have a friend or relative who really likes you drive and assist you home. There will be plenty of gas passing.

My question is this, what makes one want to become a Gastroenterologist? Whose crazy idea was it to stick cameras down my throat and up my bu##? Bunch of crazy paparazzi. I'm bitter. Today is my favorite holiday and I'm supposed to be at brunch.

25 comments:

Robin said...

Oh Diane! I am sorry. This sucks. I have been wondering where you have been. You are such a sweet person. I hope everyone treats you with tenderness and love today.

I'd like to write something witty and clever, but I just feel too concerned about you to think of anything funny right now. Maybe later.

andrea said...

there is not enough space for all i have to say today. nonetheless, i'll hog what i can:

1. you are hilarious. everything in this post made me laugh out loud. (but NEVER do i LOL. NEVER.) your writing was clever and your wit was sharp. i like you more all the time.

2. is it pronounced coLONoscope, COlonoscope, or colonOScope?

3. i have IBS, mostly because i'm so type A, so i can already picture little polyps all over my colon. i will probably be having the early procedure as well. please keep me posted.

4. on a non-snarky note, i do hope you are healthy and well.

5. paige taught me the word "snarky". i thought the snarks were some cartoon characters, but i have since learned it's an appropriate way to say "humorously bitchy".

6. speaking of censoring what we say, i find it amusing that you censored the word "butt".

Annemarie said...

WOW! A LOT of information on this one.
So sorry. Give me a call later...with as little info as possible. I'll just wipe your tears long distance.
Love you!

Brandon and Tenille said...

Oh you poor thing be brave and strong and hopefully it will be over sooner than later... So fun.

fraggLe+monkEy+shysteR said...

wow. that DOES stink. hope it all goes well or goes as well as it can- you are getting a camera put up your butt, after all.
let us know how it all turns out...

Christie said...

That is just a wrong way to spend your day. I'm so sorry for you! Here's hoping it's only good news so you don't have to do that one again for a while!

Paige said...

Oh my. I admire you for going thru this, because many refuse to do it even though it's the best thing.

Did your legs fall asleep on the toilet? The a$$ is a one way street. Going the other way is just so wrong.

Kimberly said...

I hope it goes well and you are ok. I hope you don't mind that this cracked me up even though you were obviously feeling yucky!

Liz said...

Now I can't yell at you for not blogging more often!! I hope you're okay, be sure you smile for the camera:)

Maree said...

I know it's not funny for YOU, but I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! Will you be showing your pictures? :-)

Thinking of you! We'd be happy to be in your company--we're full of hot air too.

Seriously, good luck! I hope everything comes out alright.

gab said...

Diane. Your doctor called. He wants you to go to Saks and spend at least $800.

Speedy recovery and thank you for sharing this...

tawnya said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm so thinking of you! I'll call in a couple of days and see how everything went!

Sunshine said...

Oh Crap! is right. I am sorry you have to do this today of all days...I'll eat some chocolate in your honor.

Brigitta said...

So sorry for you but that was a funny post. Good luck and hope all flows well I mean goes well.

Ilene said...

Poor Diane.

So, in addition to all of this fasting and clear liquid drinking, did you shave your legs too?

Oh, the horror.

Tina said...

we'll just have to make up for the lost brunch another day!

ferntyler said...

You are so funny with your titles - I hope you can still laugh at it today? I should have done brunch yesterday, too, because now I have a sicky at home and can't go anywhere again! I'll be checking in on you...

Hazen5 said...

Thank you Diane for the play-by-play! I am not looking forward to this, but at least I know what I am in for. I am sorry You didn't get to celebrate your favorite holiday- Celebrate with us in 2 weeks when we start school!

Sunshine said...

Diane, I can feel your pain. I had to endure a colonoscopy at the tender age of 27. For any future ones you might have to do, if you add a little 7-up to the nasty drink, it makes a bit more tolerable and is still in the "clear liquid" diet. I hope they didn't find anything noteworthy in your lovely colon. You can always tell how much your hubby loves you after he helps you/hangs around for the prep period.

And Diane, you are so fabulous people even want to take pictures of your insides. That's ultra-fabulous!

Shelly said...

Love you Diane!!!

calibosmom said...

BLECH!!! I'm so proud of you and I'm glad it was you not me. I know I'm going to need to get one and I'm not looking forward to it. THanks for going first and for prepping us! I think you deserve a new pair of shoes!

Rae said...

I hope all went well!! I'm so sorry that your first day of school was ruined by such an AWFUL procedure!!! I hope you make up for it and do something fabulous when they go back the day after Labor Day! :)

Bryn said...

You are one strong, amazing, funny person! It ain't right to put anyone through that! Hope only good news comes your way!

Andie said...

Good luck! I hear the prep is worse than the actual procedure. Also, I have heard there is a pill you can take instead of having to drink all the goop! Hang in there!

Celia Fae said...

Seriously, who would choose to be a proctologist? Is that the kid who flunked medical school?

Hi, I'm Mr. Butthole Doctor. Nice.

I hope your tests come out of your bum okay. My anonymous word verfication just said bm. I wonder if it knows.