Today is my brother Scott's birthday. He should be turning 50. But he will never see 50. I'm so angry at him. He always did everything first. He forged the way so I didn't have to. Now I will have to be the first one to turn 50. I'm angry that I can't tease him about what an old man he is. I'm angry that I can't see him. I want to call him and yell at him. I'm so mad that he won't be here for his boys graduations, mission farewells, weddings, and no one will call him Grandpa. I miss him. I wish I could dream about him. My mom has dreams about him. She sees him and hears his voice. It makes her cry. I'm jealous. He is having the last laugh. He always could push my buttons.